I can completely see where I was getting back what I was putting in, by draining myself there wasn't anything of substance to adequatlely fill me up. Maybe if I had taken time back a long time ago I would have been able to fill my needs up inbetween meetings, and therefor get back more of what I was looking for. It would have saved me a lot of time and stress, and maybe more people would appreciate what was being offered instead of taking it for granted that it would be there each week waiting for them to decide to show. I know I SOUND dramatic, those are just my word choices, and well, the fact that this IS a big deal for me. To others, this group may be something that fuels them and lends some inspiration and some caring people time each month, but it's still "just a meetup". It's not as if I'm offering Spiritual Growth classes, or Workshops with "all the answers" I'm just asking you to meet with me, enjoy the company of those who will know what you are talking about when you say "past-life regression" (or at least have an authentic interest in what the technique is) or who probably won't pronounce the second "t" in "tarot". I also recognize that people only really value things they have put something into themselves, such as money or even their own blood, sweat, and tears--but that wasn't what I was asking for. I just wanted people to participate, to share in the gift I was offering--a group, free of charge. But, even the best friendships have a give and a take, and if you weren't putting anything in but time, that's probably not enough to have a huge impact.
I recognize spiritually, that this year has been exactly what I needed, and now I'm not taking it personal. People have their own lives, their own trials, and their own things going on which may have happened to take some time away from the group. I get that, I just was hoping people were in the same space that I was, putting in the kind of effort I was... I get it though, people were also wanting more, more information, more time, more people even, and I wanted those things, too, but again, that requires everyone to put something in. Maybe it's even something as small as A) taking more Me time, and B) charging dues. I don't want dues, I don't want to mess with them or ask for them, but people really do appreciate things more when they have something invested, and something as small as $5 may feel as though it's really something they should take time for. Not because it is a large amount, but because it's still SOMEthing invested...or maybe I really should ask for $20 a piece and put it towards venues, and supplies.
Regardless, I now understand why so many groups only meet once a month. Sad, but true. I'll try every other week, and then continue to cut back if need be, I still have AOs who can suppliment, we're still "ahead of the game". We have people who really want to participate, just cannot at this time. I know that a 3 year is coming, and that will help, the 2 year is slow and obstacle filled as well as emotional, and I get that, so finally, here in the 9th month, I have caught up and am listening and waiting....
This summer, the most amazing thing happened...I worked my ass off, and you know what? The group showed up...and consistantly, at that! It felt great, but it was at the expense of myself, I tried SO hard to put out something wonderful, something we all could appreciate, and something I had never done before. And you know what? I asked for $1 for this time and effort each week.....$1, hey look, I'm now a dollar menu! My product wasn't perfect, and occasionally I slacked, mostly as I was underselling my efforts....in the beginning, it made sense, it was fairly casual, some yoga, some speaking, some meditating--in a way, you all did the work for yourself, so the $1 paid for your gift. And yet, it changed, a bigger calling stepped forward and I tried my damndest to meet it at the door---and people still came, people still wanted, and by golly people (hopefuly) printed their own packets because it was just draining every bit of me I could muster up from the remains of my crumbling foundations of "self".
Now, where is everyone? We've all transformed, this year has been tough for all, and maybe, just maybe, next year it will come back--as the inspiration asks us to be social, and reconnect after we have spent such trying time together. Yes, we can reconnect, but I'm taking a step back and waiting for you to meet me half way. I'll still be there, waiting once, maybe twice a month. But I'm not going to continue putting forth even meager effort if I'm not being met in this. I feel that, yes, it is completely possible for space to be held for me (and maybe this is Ego speaking) but I feel that you are all coming and wanting someone to hold space for you regardless of what you are bringing to the table, guess what? I want the same thing. I want to learn what YOU have to share, what YOU have to offer and to teach, because I know it's in there, and you know it is, too. Yes, next year, I believe this can all come back together, but I will not fight the tide this time.
This winter, I take a step back, I will not fight the current, and I will learn to fill up my cup first--before trying to fill yours with my meager (but hopeful) offerings. When you are ready, I'll be right here on the menu.
If he were pushing me away I think I would just take it, and if he pulled me close I think I would resist more.
Wow, this one really gets me on a number of levels, from my own inner child, to myself as a parent and my effect on my own child and her development. I can see my parents in myself, and know the things I am bringing out in my child, and it just gives me more reasons to turn inward. It reminds me of the paper I wrote about Sadomasochism in my Creative Writing class in Running Start. Little did I know how much I was truly describing myself, I mean, I knew it, but really, it was kind of a learned self-expression....I saw how others dealt with it, and mirrored that. It seems silly that I didn't recognize the actuality of the Psychological "Persona" of the Masochist, or the Endurer. How I long to be loved but resent the obvious manipulation that comes along with those of whom I want the love from.
I want to please people, but often fall short...except in some areas, but me being me, it's hard to accept that it's alright to not please someone in every area. Though, I seem to find people who critisize the same things, eh?
I resent being at home, I don't do housework well, I don't have a good temper or patience with my child, nor do I pay her enough attention...the childish rebellion which lingers in my brain is, "Alright, I'll do it, but I'm NOT going to like it, or truly participate." So I don't do it well, which makes me loathe myself more, and I loathe that I am not letting myself enjoy it, and loathing my husband (and child) for putting me in this auto-pilot position which I constrain myself in.
No wonder I feel SO conflicted and STUCK all off the time...I really am. I see one side, but also the other, and so I have no where to go from here. I don't want my child to be a daycare child, but wish to work, so I can't, and then am at home too much doing things I'm not good at and don't enjoy...the cycle continues. Meanwhile I resent my husband for living the dreams I wish I could, he has it all (to me), a wife who complies to stay at home and take care of his child while he runs his (albeit tough) dream job and has built his own mini empire and expects me to be happy "in my place" for all that he has bestowed upon me. Gee, thanks.
My family....childhood. I was the fourth and last child of two rounds of two....I was a second child AND a fourth, but always came last in line. My mom was there to talk, but not to support my activities. I was encouraged, and yet never pushed to strive for better, I was great at mediocre. I did well in school, sure, but I had little to no friends, and the ones I DID have were often abused, and sheltered ones, so I remember just being alone....a lot. I would try to follow my brother around, HE had friends, but of course, that was a futile attempt. My mom was working a LOT, and when she WAS home she was either planning the next sales meeting or on the phone. When we were at my dad's, we'd always go camping, but as soon as the home-computer took off, we never did that anymore. I just remember walking in on a number of Solitare games, and so I would just zone on T.V. and soda all weekend. My gramma always favored my brother, but I was always the "good one" but I shut down and resented when I had to give hugs I didn't want to and great praise of thanks for any little thing. Where my mom's rules left off, mine began, I was hardly ever punished because I generally complied and was SO honest I didn't get in trouble when I WAS in the wrong....BUT, I ate myself up with guilt, and shame, I wanted to push myself harder but was left feeling unsure of how to do so, or afraid of failure. I think I wanted someone to just push me, to believe in me so much that they would make me do it. I wanted someone to control things...I almost feel like I had TOO MUCH control and I didn't know what to do with it, so I just floated along with whatever came up...not much, of course, because as the 4th child no one really wanted to hear another instrument played, so I joined choir though my mom made fun of my singing voice...my dad was always supportive...but he was like walking on egg shells, you never knew when the shit would hit the fan...if asking for a ride to the mall would be too much, or if my own emotional baggage would be noticed...
We first connected when I shared my dark poetry with him..I will never forget him saying "that is how I have felt for the last 30 years but never had words for"...turns out he was suicidal at the time. So was I. That was the only time I really lived with my dad. And it was just us, and he was so uninvolved....I can't blame him totally though.
My mom was totally involved after she quit Avon, but she demanded chores to be done. Funny thing is that I really just am not good at the jobs she wanted done, it never got better, and so I was expected to do these things, but wasn't capable of truly doing a good job. Or at least not in the time contraints... "It only takes 15 minutes a day"...my ASS. Maybe for my mom who can run through and clean everything in no time flat, but for me, it's more...thoughtful, meditative almost. I also get very distracted, and I know that if I really try to do it all well, it will never truly be finished because it will never be perfect. So, I half-ass.
And that brings us back to present. My detatched ever-present state of auto-pilot. I do not feel in control and resent those who hold power over me which I gave to them because I don't know what to do with it. There is no one pushing me to do anything greater than I am now. No, this is just fine.
...
This week...is going to be a doozy.
Only through embracing our limitations can we grow beyond them, as boundaries are placed as containers of which to collect and build.
This week we're focusing on the Root Chakra....it is blocked by FEAR...fear of survival, of not having basic needs met, by not having community, home, money, or food. Nourish the body and nourish the soul. I am grounded, I have the right to BE HERE....I am in this moment and carry no worry into the next moment.
I do have a little bit of a shaky foundation from childhood, which has to do with relationships....my mother and father's, actually. I was 3 months old when my dad left, so I suppose that creates some instability, but I can only imagine how much worse it would have been if he had stayed and lived in the same home..I think it actually worked to our advantage to have both parents but in separate homes...a break from both, and a chance to be two selves as one whole being. No wonder marriage is tough for me :-/
My basic needs are being filled, but it is not myself who is fulfilling them, which takes a way a bit of my independence...well, pretty much all of it, really. I may (somewhat) tend to the home and basic needs of our child, but I do not bring home my own paycheck, though I do all of the shopping and cooking....I fill others' basic needs, but my own?
I feel that although I am a spiritual being, I have quit a bit of grounding (thanks to being a Virgo?) and I feel it most when I spend enough time outside, walking in nature. I don't like the city very often, I'd rather be at a secluded beach, or walking through a green park or forest, or near a mountain river..
My only real drawback Root Chakra-wise is that I often don't feel comfortable in my own body...like I don't want to be here, it often feels more like a fleshy cage than a rooted home-base for my time here. Unless, again, I get enough time in the elements, in which case I am the uber-in-the-moment, clear-minded being.
Interesting how most red-based foods are grown close to the ground, interesting how 4-legged animals (who also bear red meat) are apparenlty only based in the lower Chakras since they do not stand upright. Interesting how men, more often than not, are based mostly in the lower Chakras as well...the primal force which needs to survive, to gather, compete, bring home the money and buy the home, to have sex, to procreate, and to fight, to be ego-driven and confident. While women are based more in the upper Chakras, the spiritual, the intuitive, the vocal and expressive, loving and emotional, floaty and ruled often by turmoil (for lack of grounding, mayhaps)....
Though, as the world/universe ebbs and flows, we are finding more women who are focusing in the lower chakras, wanting to bring home the paycheck and come home to a house taken care of and someone else tending to children's needs, to feel as a primal sexual being who is also sensual and loving. And men, are becoming more feminine, soft and loving, emotional beings. In both cases, it leaves the person feeling a little unusual, a little out of their element. For, what does a man do when he realizes he, too, is an emotional being, and a woman to accept that she is a truly sexual, powerful being, with needs and desires beyond that of their homely counterpart.
Of course, people may thrive in either, some people have life just the way we want it, while others of us feel a bit more...trapped...pressured....caged...un
I feel things so deeply, so, intensly,
I feel this intense longing, this lonliness
but I scoff at the content
Digging my cave ever deeper, I feel I cannot escape
I feel locked inside these walls, suffocating
This intensity eats away at my essence
This life force, of scarsity
Divided among the dimensions
A tattered self clings to the surface
Alas, of this I cannot speak...
I hate reading this, I hate feeling this, with every sense of my being it infuriates me, I have no tolerence for those "seeking life's answers" or whining and self-expression...even though it often speaks to me....I feel I am moving beyond this, but have no idea where to go from here.
But I love you
Seems that I'm always
Thinkin' of you
Oh, ho, ho, you treat me badly
I love you madly
You've really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
Baby
I don't want you
But I need you
Don't wanna kiss you
But I need to
Oh, ho, ho You do me wrong now
My love is strong now
You've really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
Baby
I love you and all I want you to do
Is just
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Tighter
Tighter
I wanna leave you
Don't wanna stay here
Don't wanna spend another day here
Oh ho ho, I wanna split now
I just can't quit now
You've really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
Baby
I love you and all I want you to do
Is just
Hold me (please)
Hold me (squeeze)
Hold me
Hold me
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
- Music:You've really got a hold on me- Zooey Deschanel (in She & Him)
I feel, humiliated, by my missing the point, by my actions out of pain and worry and I have been feeling nit-picked and plowed over all week...I couldn't handle any more emotional stuff, but can't seem to stop crying...even when I do, I am in the back of my mind...
Stress...exhaustion...overwhelming...hop
Humility. Damn.
The Tower was right, eh? It really is dispersing in different directions, which, is fine...let it be...let it grow to be what it will be.
So, the Divine Mother sits next to me on a bench and I hand her all of my concerns which she puts in a burlap sack and tosses aside, then she takes my hand and leads me through the fog...as it starts to clear, we walk under the branches of a weeping willow and I start to see a water fall and a jungle setting...then there is a throne, which is like Chichen Itza, but with a seat on top, and water going down and vines envelope the side.
An animal approaches from the left, it is a bobcat like animal and it runs up the stairs, asking me to go with, and I basically ride with/on it as it turns into like a jaguar/tiger..there is a black leopard running next to us...he takes me to an African type clearing with one tree which i approach and place my hand on. Then the woman hands me a Mayan type headress and I put it on, and back at the throne she hands me a mirror and I see I am Mayan, maybe a medicine woman, or healer, or leader...and then she hands me a jeweled dagger and a man appears in front of me on his knees with his hands bound behind his back and his head down...I quickly slice down his torso and then straight across his throat....
Then I see some sort of light come down, like an asteroid, then the woman takes me up into the Universe among the stars and then I fall back to earth to this starry lake....
2012
She showed me a piece of wisdom, "Be Who You Are"
I don't know what it is I want to do with my life....I feel like I need to overhaul the way I have been living and reorganize my priorities, and think about some real goals...I am here for a reason, right now in my life...why am I here and what should I be doing with this? I still keep trying to either swim against the current, or floating with it...but really, I'm just being lazy, I'm not swimming it at all. I'm just sitting here waiting for things to happen TO me, instead of MAKING things happen...
I need to figure out what it is I want in my life, and go for it, take charge, SOMEthing needs to change or I'm gonna sink.
The current around me seems to be going faster and I am still inadvertanly hanging on to this rock which is steady but holds me back, never allowing for true life experience. If I died tomorrow I would feel like I was leaving nothing of myself behind except for loved ones....I wouldn't feel good about how I lived my life, only that I loved those around me, though I don't think I've shown it well enough either.
It bothers me to think about that, like it never has before, I mean, I have this wonderful, beautiful young one, and what have I done with her? With myself? How have I taught her it's Ok to live, what kind of an example am I setting for her?
I need to give this a serious think, and get moving. What I really need is a chance away from everything to have one of my fires, or more Soul searching BY MYSELF....something is attuned, and I'm not sure what that is, but I'm not catching it....
anyhow, I don't have time for this now..later.
I know that good things are in the making, I'm just not sure any longer of which role to hold or what the next step should be. I look so intently forward to our trip to Hawaii...much needed.
Can't wait for tangible words to find me.
We shall see...if it's time, it's time..if it's not, well, I suppose that's alright, too.
::Sigh::
- Mood:
confused
I was walking and I saw a plane fly straight up in the air over some trees near me and then it fell straight back down (nosedive) and crashed. I found the wreckage, and the plane was whole, but upside down and I was afraid at first to have to open the hatch and see all of the people lost in the crash, but I knew people could hopefully be alive. I opened the door and it looked as though everyone was dead (but it wasn't gory, it was like they were asleep) and no one responded to my being there-- I don't remember for sure but it felt like the first to respond and be helped out were myself and maybe Sean, like we were also in the plane--... Then one by one a few people came to and I helped them out as well. I took them back to a house and made it available to them to be "at home" and I made everyone homemade fish and chips, in cooking oil. Those were gone by the time I went to eat so for me and the remaining I had to make frozen chicken strips and sweet potato fries.
I don't remember the rest. I think it's talking about the spiritual group, I have to do some more thinking about what I want the group to be, but I also won't completely know until after the first meeting. I know I can do this, but I am feeling nervous and unsure. Though, I know this is somewhere in the right direction on the right path...I just...need the confidence I suppose. "Fake it til you make it" ;) I know I can do this, I am more than capable and have understanding in these areas, and am quite qualified....just...nervous.
To dream that a plane crashes, suggests that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. Your goals may be too high and are impossible to realize. You are in danger of having it come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.
To see an airplane in your dream, indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness. Perhaps you need to gain a better perspective or wider view on something. �If the airplane is taking off, then it suggests that an idea or plan is about to "take off" and be put into action. It may also represent you need to get away and escape from your daily life.
To dream that you are helping someone, indicates your willingness to compromise your beliefs toward a greater accomplishment. It also represents your efforts to combine your talents or energies to achieve a mutual goal.
To dream that you are cooking, signifies your desire desire to influence others in such a way that they will like you or become dependent on you. Alternatively, it represents your nurturing side or wanting to be nurtured. You want to be loved.
To see or use cooking oil in your dream, represents a smooth transition.
I think next time will be my last, but thank you for showing me another...outlet.

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Still, I suppose I do see how it is indeed a spiritual life, much like monks/buddhists, but still, I don't know how you can do that and still be sane in THIS world, because I would feel extremely unfulfilled, and yet there is a part of me that would be happy living in the mountains, secluded or in silence, living a simple life....
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