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That being said...

  • Sep. 22nd, 2009 at 8:40 AM
nasa butterfly
On a Spiritual Note:

I can completely see where I was getting back what I was putting in, by draining myself there wasn't anything of substance to adequatlely fill me up.  Maybe if I had taken time back a long time ago I would have been able to fill my needs up inbetween meetings, and therefor get back more of what I was looking for.  It would have saved me a lot of time and stress, and maybe more people would appreciate what was being offered instead of taking it for granted that it would be there each week waiting for them to decide to show.   I know I SOUND dramatic, those are just my word choices, and well, the fact that this IS a big deal for me.  To others, this group may be something that fuels them and lends some inspiration and some caring people time each month, but it's still "just a meetup".  It's not as if I'm offering Spiritual Growth classes, or Workshops with "all the answers"  I'm just asking you to meet with me, enjoy the company of those who will know what you are talking about when you say "past-life regression" (or at least have an authentic interest in what the technique is) or who probably won't pronounce the second "t" in "tarot".  I also recognize that people only really value things they have put something into themselves, such as money or even their own blood, sweat, and tears--but that wasn't what I was asking for.  I just wanted people to participate, to share in the gift I was offering--a group, free of charge.  But, even the best friendships have a give and a take, and if you weren't putting anything in but time, that's probably not enough to have a huge impact.

I recognize spiritually, that this year has been exactly what I needed, and now I'm not taking it personal.  People have their own lives, their own trials, and their own things going on which may have happened to take some time away from the group.  I get that, I just was hoping people were in the same space that I was, putting in the kind of effort I was... I get it though, people were also wanting more, more information, more time, more people even, and I wanted those things, too, but again, that requires everyone to put something in.  Maybe it's even something as small as A) taking more Me time, and B) charging dues.  I don't want dues, I don't want to mess with them or ask for them, but people really do appreciate things more when they have something invested, and something as small as $5 may feel as though it's really something they should take time for.  Not because it is a large amount, but because it's still SOMEthing invested...or maybe I really should ask for $20 a piece and put it towards venues, and supplies.

Regardless, I now understand why so many groups only meet once a month.  Sad, but true.  I'll try every other week, and then continue to cut back if need be, I still have AOs who can suppliment, we're still "ahead of the game".  We have people who really want to participate, just cannot at this time.  I know that a 3 year is coming, and that will help, the 2 year is slow and obstacle filled as well as emotional, and I get that, so finally, here in the 9th month, I have caught up and am listening and waiting....

McDonald's Salad

  • Sep. 22nd, 2009 at 7:49 AM
Me
   I am not quite stepping down, but rather taking a step back from the group I have enjoyed.  I feel that this group, as well as the season, may indeed be coming to a close.  I have to realize that my expectations have been too high, and I have (seemingly) tried too hard to please eveyone while also not getting my own needs met.  I believe that the group may have run its course, as so many of these women simply have better things to do with their time.  Maybe the desire is there, the hope, the longing, but not enough to get people to come.  As with McDonald's Salad, people really want to be healthy and "do the right thing" for their body and soul, and yet when they've approached the worker to order, we often retreat to the familiar (and tasty) Big Mac or Quarter Pounder with Cheese, feeling better having considered that salad.  Why am I seeming dramatic?  Why is it such a big deal for a few meetings to be missed?  Because I am there every week.  Because I have sacrificed, not only my family's time, but my very own tidbit of my weekly installment of "Me".  No, no one asked me to begin this, I did this because this is what I thought WAS feeding me, and it did, but then the group ebbs (as groups naturally do) and I am still trying to help it flow.  

   This summer, the most amazing thing happened...I worked my ass off, and you know what?  The group showed up...and consistantly, at that!  It felt great, but it was at the expense of myself, I tried SO hard to put out something wonderful, something we all could appreciate, and something I had never done before.  And you know what?  I asked for $1 for this time and effort each week.....$1, hey look, I'm now a dollar menu!  My product wasn't perfect, and occasionally I slacked, mostly as I was underselling my efforts....in the beginning, it made sense, it was fairly casual, some yoga, some speaking, some meditating--in a way, you all did the work for yourself, so the $1 paid for your gift.  And yet, it changed, a bigger calling stepped forward and I tried my damndest to meet it at the door---and people still came, people still wanted, and by golly people (hopefuly) printed their own packets because it was just draining every bit of me I could muster up from the remains of my crumbling foundations of "self".

Now, where is everyone?  We've all transformed, this year has been tough for all, and maybe, just maybe, next year it will come back--as the inspiration asks us to be social, and reconnect after we have spent such trying time together.  Yes, we can reconnect, but I'm taking a step back and waiting for you to meet me half way.  I'll still be there, waiting once, maybe twice a month.  But I'm not going to continue putting forth even meager effort if I'm not being met in this.  I feel that, yes, it is completely possible for space to be held for me (and maybe this is Ego speaking) but I feel that you are all coming and wanting someone to hold space for you regardless of what you are bringing to the table, guess what?  I want the same thing.  I want to learn what YOU have to share, what YOU have to offer and to teach, because I know it's in there, and you know it is, too.  Yes, next year, I believe this can all come back together, but I will not fight the tide this time.

  This winter, I take a step back, I will not fight the current, and I will learn to fill up my cup first--before trying to fill yours with my meager (but hopeful) offerings.  When you are ready, I'll be right here on the menu.

Push/Pull

  • Jul. 24th, 2009 at 1:48 PM
Me
I feel as though if my husband and I were to do the Come Closer/Go Away exercise I would find it easy to push away, but if met with too much resistance I would probably want to cry, like, "Why can't I make you go away?! " Wanting to be left alone, but secretly wanting someone to stay and take care of me, but it's easier to deny myself that.  And pulling closer, I would do with greater effort, as it would be difficult to admit it but also wanting it more than that actual pushing away, more determined, but I am afraid that if I were met with resistance I wouldn't necessarily fight it as hard as pushing away...

If he were pushing me away I think I would just take it, and if he pulled me close I think I would resist more.

Solar Plexus

  • Jul. 14th, 2009 at 9:18 PM
Me


Wow, this one really gets me on a number of levels, from my own inner child, to myself as a parent and my effect on my own child and her development.  I can see my parents in myself, and know the things I am bringing out in my child, and it just gives me more reasons to turn inward.  It reminds me of the paper I wrote about Sadomasochism in my Creative Writing class in Running Start.  Little did I know how much I was truly describing myself, I mean, I knew it, but really, it was kind of a learned self-expression....I saw how others dealt with it, and mirrored that.  It seems silly that I didn't recognize the actuality of the Psychological "Persona" of the Masochist, or the Endurer.  How I long to be loved but resent the obvious manipulation that comes along with those of whom I want the love from. 

I want to please people, but often fall short...except in some areas, but me being me, it's hard to accept that it's alright to not please someone in every area.  Though, I seem to find people who critisize the same things, eh?


I resent being at home, I don't do housework well, I don't have a good temper or patience with my child, nor do I pay her enough attention...the childish rebellion which lingers in my brain is, "Alright, I'll do it, but I'm NOT going to like it, or truly participate."  So I don't do it well, which makes me loathe myself more, and I loathe that I am not letting myself enjoy it, and loathing my husband (and child) for putting me in this auto-pilot position which I constrain myself in. 

No wonder I feel SO conflicted and STUCK all off the time...I really am.  I see one side, but also the other, and so I have no where to go from here.  I don't want my child to be a daycare child, but wish to work, so I can't, and then am at home too much doing things I'm not good at and don't enjoy...the cycle continues.  Meanwhile I resent my husband for living the dreams I wish I could, he has it all (to me), a wife who complies to stay at home and take care of his child while he runs his (albeit tough) dream job and has built his own mini empire and expects me to be happy "in my place" for all that he has bestowed upon me.  Gee, thanks.

My family....childhood.  I was the fourth and last child of two rounds of two....I was a second child AND a fourth, but always came last in line.  My mom was there to talk, but not to support my activities.  I was encouraged, and yet never pushed to strive for better, I was great at mediocre.  I did well in school, sure, but I had little to no friends, and the ones I DID have were often abused, and sheltered ones, so I remember just being alone....a lot.  I would try to follow my brother around, HE had friends, but of course, that was a futile attempt.  My mom was working a LOT, and when she WAS home she was either planning the next sales meeting or on the phone.  When we were at my dad's, we'd always go camping, but as soon as the home-computer took off, we never did that anymore.  I just remember walking in on a number of Solitare games, and so I would just zone on T.V. and soda all weekend.  My gramma always favored my brother, but I was always the "good one" but I shut down and resented when I had to give hugs I didn't want to and great praise of thanks for any little thing.  Where my mom's rules left off, mine began, I was hardly ever punished because I generally complied and was SO honest I didn't get in trouble when I WAS in the wrong....BUT, I ate myself up with guilt, and shame, I wanted to push myself harder but was left feeling unsure of how to do so, or afraid of failure.  I think I wanted someone to just push me, to believe in me so much that they would make me do it.  I wanted someone to control things...I almost feel like I had TOO MUCH control and I didn't know what to do with it, so I just floated along with whatever came up...not much, of course, because as the 4th child no one really wanted to hear another instrument played, so I joined choir though my mom made fun of my singing voice...my dad was always supportive...but he was like walking on egg shells, you never knew when the shit would hit the fan...if asking for a ride to the mall would be too much, or if my own emotional baggage would be noticed...

We first connected when I shared my dark poetry with him..I will never forget him saying "that is how I have felt for the last 30 years but never had words for"...turns out he was suicidal at the time.  So was I.  That was the only time I really lived with my dad.  And it was just us, and he was so uninvolved....I can't blame him totally though.

My mom was totally involved after she quit Avon, but she demanded chores to be done.  Funny thing is that I really just am not good at the jobs she wanted done, it never got better, and so I was expected to do these things, but wasn't capable of truly doing a good job.  Or at least not in the time contraints... "It only takes 15 minutes a day"...my ASS.  Maybe for my mom who can run through and clean everything in no time flat, but for me, it's more...thoughtful, meditative almost.  I also get very distracted, and I know that if I really try to do it all well, it will never truly be finished because it will never be perfect.  So, I half-ass. 

And that brings us back to present.  My detatched ever-present state of auto-pilot.  I do not feel in control and resent those who hold power over me which I gave to them because I don't know what to do with it.  There is no one pushing me to do anything greater than I am now.  No, this is just fine.

...

This week...is going to be a doozy.

Root to Navel

  • Jul. 6th, 2009 at 8:57 PM
Me
In order to feel grounded and secure on this world we must accept that we belong here, our bodies are a direct connection to our spirit and we must nourish and take care of this vehicle, including getting enough sleep.  When we feel strong in our bodies it allows for all of the other Chakras to charge.  In the second Chakra, I now understand that the reason why sexuality resides here is because it is connected to the nervous system, all physical sensations are redeemed here.  The Root is the vehicle and rules the basic need to take care of oneself, through bathing, fuel and rest, while the Navel is the music which makes the ride so enjoyable.  It tickles and teases the senses, it allows us to feel pleasure.  If we deny ourselves the basic right to pleasure, we lose ourselves in Guilt and no longer enjoy.  It creates the overindulgences and lack of proper boundaries which lead to low self-worth....our Shadow self is that which we must face when working with this Chakra....it often manifests itself in those who we surround ourselves with.  A person who hides and restraints themselves emotionally may be surrounded by those who are needy, sensitive and over-emotional, and when those people are crying or are angry, it may bring out resentful anger and a disgust of their show of emotion.  It goes with the old addage that people often lash out at others who are displaying that which we disapprove of most within ourselves.  SO, listen to yourself this week, if you find yourself ranting about someone who is talking too much, maybe you are not saying enough, or you tend to ramble yourself....if you find yourself frustrated with the person at work who is a slob and lazy, maybe you are working too hard against your own grain, your own innate laziness, and in not embracing yourself you are creating more of a monster.  (Remember the sandwhich which was brought to work and shoved in the back of a drawer and forgotten about.)  

Only through embracing our limitations can we grow beyond them, as boundaries are placed as containers of which to collect and build.

 

Root Chakra

  • Jul. 4th, 2009 at 10:48 AM
Me

This week we're focusing on the Root Chakra....it is blocked by FEAR...fear of survival, of not having basic needs met, by not having community, home, money, or food.  Nourish the body and nourish the soul.  I am grounded, I have the right to BE HERE....I am in this moment and carry no worry into the next moment.

I do have a little bit of a shaky foundation from childhood, which has to do with relationships....my mother and father's, actually.  I was 3 months old when my dad left, so I suppose that creates some instability, but I can only imagine how much worse it would have been if he had stayed and lived in the same home..I think it actually worked to our advantage to have both parents but in separate homes...a break from both, and a chance to be two selves as one whole being.  No wonder marriage is tough for me :-/

My basic needs are being filled, but it is not myself who is fulfilling them, which takes a way a bit of my independence...well, pretty much all of it, really.  I may (somewhat) tend to the home and basic needs of our child, but I do not bring home my own paycheck, though I do all of the shopping and cooking....I fill others' basic needs, but my own?

I feel that although I am a spiritual being, I have quit a bit of grounding (thanks to being a Virgo?) and I feel it most when I spend enough time outside, walking in nature.  I don't like the city very often, I'd rather be at a secluded beach, or walking through a green park or forest, or near a mountain river..

My only real drawback Root Chakra-wise is that I often don't feel comfortable in my own body...like I don't want to be here, it often feels more like a fleshy cage than a rooted home-base for my time here.  Unless, again, I get enough time in the elements, in which case I am the uber-in-the-moment, clear-minded being. 

Interesting how most red-based foods are grown close to the ground, interesting how 4-legged animals (who also bear red meat) are apparenlty only based in the lower Chakras since they do not stand upright.  Interesting how men, more often than not, are based mostly in the lower Chakras as well...the primal force which needs to survive, to gather, compete, bring home the money and buy the home, to have sex, to procreate, and to fight, to be ego-driven and confident.  While women are based more in the upper Chakras, the spiritual, the intuitive, the vocal and expressive, loving and emotional, floaty and ruled often by turmoil (for lack of grounding, mayhaps)....
 


Though, as the world/universe ebbs and flows, we are finding more women who are focusing in the lower chakras, wanting to bring home the paycheck and come home to a house taken care of and someone else tending to children's needs, to feel as a primal sexual being who is also sensual and loving.  And men, are becoming more feminine, soft and loving, emotional beings.  In both cases, it leaves the person feeling a little unusual, a little out of their element.  For, what does a man do when he realizes he, too, is an emotional being, and a woman to accept that she is a truly sexual, powerful being, with needs and desires beyond that of their homely counterpart. 

Of course, people may thrive in either, some people have life just the way we want it, while others of us feel a bit more...trapped...pressured....caged...unfulfilled and unsatisfied with the hand they've been dealt...I suppose in either case those people have an off-balance Root Chakra.  Hrmm...something to ponder more.

Very strange

  • May. 18th, 2009 at 11:17 AM
nasa butterfly
and intensely real dreams lately...hrmm...

Tattered Being?

  • Apr. 22nd, 2009 at 8:56 PM
nasa butterfly


I feel things so deeply, so, intensly,
I feel this intense longing, this lonliness
but I scoff at the content

Digging my cave ever deeper, I feel I cannot escape
I feel locked inside these walls, suffocating
This intensity eats away at my essence

This life force, of scarsity
Divided among the dimensions
A tattered self clings to the surface

Alas, of this I cannot speak...


I hate reading this, I hate feeling this, with every sense of my being it infuriates me, I have no tolerence for those "seeking life's answers" or whining and self-expression...even though it often speaks to me....I feel I am moving beyond this, but have no idea where to go from here.

You've really got a hold on me (Beatles....)

  • Apr. 13th, 2009 at 10:29 AM
nasa butterfly
I don't like you
But I love you
Seems that I'm always
Thinkin' of you
Oh, ho, ho, you treat me badly
I love you madly

You've really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)

Baby
I don't want you
But I need you
Don't wanna kiss you
But I need to
Oh, ho, ho You do me wrong now
My love is strong now

You've really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)


Baby
I love you and all I want you to do
Is just
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Hold me

Tighter
Tighter

I wanna leave you
Don't wanna stay here
Don't wanna spend another day here
Oh ho ho, I wanna split now
I just can't quit now
You've really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)

Baby
I love you and all I want you to do
Is just
Hold me (please)
Hold me (squeeze)
Hold me
Hold me

You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)

Humility

  • Mar. 13th, 2009 at 9:32 AM
nasa butterfly
That is what I am feeling on so many levels....I see the err of my ways, and things I wish to change in the group, and I feel sort of a sense of clarity, mostly in that I need to not plan so far ahead with the group, and hopefully the AOs will bring together some more laid back opportunities, which I am interested in, but not so much as the learning together aspect. 

I feel, humiliated, by my missing the point, by my actions out of pain and worry and I have been feeling nit-picked and plowed over all week...I couldn't handle any more emotional stuff, but can't seem to stop crying...even when I do, I am in the back of my mind...

Stress...exhaustion...overwhelming...hope...despair....cowardess....

Humility.  Damn.

The Tower was right, eh?  It really is dispersing in different directions, which, is fine...let it be...let it grow to be what it will be.

What a night...GM

  • Mar. 12th, 2009 at 11:33 PM
nasa butterfly
We did the usual grounding exercise and I found myself being pulled into the white core of the earth by the very vines fueling me, and when the light reached from above there were rolling thunder clouds and lightning....an angel scooped me up and brought me back to the ground witht he purple flowers and crisp, chilly grass next to the crystal clear lake reflecting the mountains and the trees...

So, the Divine Mother sits next to me on a bench and I hand her all of my concerns which she puts in a burlap sack and tosses aside, then she takes my hand and leads me through the fog...as it starts to clear, we walk under the branches of a weeping willow and I start to see a water fall and a jungle setting...then there is a throne, which is like Chichen Itza, but with a seat on top, and water going down and vines envelope the side. 

An animal approaches from the left, it is a bobcat like animal and it runs up the stairs, asking me to go with, and I basically ride with/on it as it turns into like a jaguar/tiger..there is a black leopard running next to us...he takes me to an African type clearing with one tree which i approach and place my hand on.  Then the woman hands me a Mayan type headress and I put it on, and back at the throne she hands me a mirror and I see I am Mayan, maybe a medicine woman, or healer, or leader...and then she hands me a jeweled dagger and a man appears in front of me on his knees with his hands bound behind his back and his head down...I quickly slice down his torso and then straight across his throat....

Then I see some sort of light come down, like an asteroid, then the woman takes me up into the Universe among the stars and then I fall back to earth to this starry lake....
2012

She showed me a piece of  wisdom, "Be Who You Are"

Rar

  • Feb. 16th, 2009 at 10:12 AM
Me


I don't know what it is I want to do with my life....I feel like I need to overhaul the way I have been living and reorganize my priorities, and think about some real goals...I am here for a reason, right now in my life...why am I here and what should I be doing with this?  I still keep trying to either swim against the current, or floating with it...but really, I'm just being lazy, I'm not swimming it at all.  I'm just sitting here waiting for things to happen TO me, instead of MAKING things happen...

I need to figure out what it is I want in my life, and go for it, take charge, SOMEthing needs to change or I'm gonna sink.

The current around me seems to be going faster and I am still inadvertanly hanging on to this rock which is steady but holds me back, never allowing for true life experience.  If I died tomorrow I would feel like I was leaving nothing of myself behind except for loved ones....I wouldn't feel good about how I lived my life, only that I loved those around me, though I don't think I've shown it well enough either.

It bothers me to think about that, like it never has before, I mean, I have this wonderful, beautiful young one, and what have I done with her?  With myself?  How have I taught her it's Ok to live, what kind of an example am I setting for her?
 

I need to give this a serious think, and get moving.  What I really need is a chance away from everything to have one of my fires, or more Soul searching BY MYSELF....something is attuned, and I'm not sure what that is, but I'm not catching it....

Am I worth it?

  • Jan. 23rd, 2009 at 6:00 PM
Me
I still struggle with the concept of charging for my gifts, but considering the effort I put into it, I think it ought to be worth something.  All these people that charge less for their charting have had it built already, and they give like 40 pages of blah blah blah, oh that's interesting, wait didn't you already say that?  I like to think I add a bit of voice and humor to my charts and I hope that with the person-to-person chat it also makes it more worth-while.  I don't know, I think it's a good price, it's just that I'd like to offer more, but damn, it is time consuming...hopefully eventually I will have it archived and I would only have to cut, paste, and edit these charts.  I still don't like the concept of using a program, ubless it was one I designed myself...

anyhow, I don't have time for this now..later.

Oy

  • Jan. 16th, 2009 at 9:45 AM
nasa butterfly
I know, I keep complaining about this Mercury Retrograde, but really, I'm having a hard time coping with this one...I have to let go of things I just got hold of, I have to revamp and reflect...and I must control my easily bruised ego....

I know that good things are in the making, I'm just not sure any longer of which role to hold or what the next step should be.  I look so intently forward to our trip to Hawaii...much needed.

Can't wait for tangible words to find me.

::sigh::

  • Jan. 7th, 2009 at 10:34 AM
nasa butterfly
Well, I had a pregnancy scare this last evening and morning, but now that the stick had only one line, I find myself feeling a little sad...it's scary as all hell to think of having another one right now, but then again, I don't like the idea of having to truly decide to try and have another one...it would be very difficult to convince both Sean and myself to have another one, at the same time...it's even more difficult to have to physically go and get my IUD removed in order to do so as well...I don't really want that kind of deciding power now that Jada is old enough to where I, often times, wouldn't mind the arrival of another....I don't know....maybe I tested too soon, maybe it's a warning to be prepared, as last time we had a scare a month before I became pregnant with Jada...I've always been sensitive to my body so maybe I'm right...even though that is a scary thought at this juncture.

We shall see...if it's time, it's time..if it's not, well, I suppose that's alright, too.

::Sigh::

Dream last night

  • Nov. 27th, 2008 at 8:00 AM
nasa butterfly

I was walking and I saw a plane fly straight up in the air over some trees near me and then it fell straight back down (nosedive) and crashed.  I found the wreckage, and the plane was whole, but upside down and I was afraid at first to have to open the hatch and see all of the people lost in the crash, but I knew people could hopefully be alive.  I opened the door and it looked as though everyone was dead (but it wasn't gory, it was like they were asleep) and no one responded to my being there-- I don't remember for sure but it felt like the first to respond and be helped out were myself and maybe Sean, like we were also in the plane--... Then one by one a few people came to and I helped them out as well.  I took them back to a house and made it available to them to be "at home" and I made everyone homemade fish and chips, in cooking oil.  Those were gone by the time I went to eat so for me and the remaining I had to make frozen chicken strips and sweet potato fries.

I don't remember the rest.  I think it's talking about the spiritual group, I have to do some more thinking about what I want the group to be, but I also won't completely know until after the first meeting.  I know I can do this, but I am feeling nervous and unsure.  Though, I know this is somewhere in the right direction on the right path...I just...need the confidence I suppose.  "Fake it til you make it"  ;)  I know I can do this, I am more than capable and have understanding in these areas, and am quite qualified....just...nervous.

To dream that a plane crashes, suggests that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. Your goals may be too high and are impossible to realize. You are in danger of having it come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.

To see an airplane in your dream, indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness. Perhaps you need to gain a better perspective or wider view on something. �If the airplane is taking off, then it suggests that an idea or plan is about to "take off" and be put into action. It may also represent you need to get away and escape from your daily life.

To dream that you are helping someone, indicates your willingness to compromise your beliefs toward a greater accomplishment. It also represents your efforts to combine your talents or energies to achieve a mutual goal.

To dream that you are cooking, signifies your desire desire to influence others in such a way that they will like you or become dependent on you. Alternatively, it represents your nurturing side or wanting to be nurtured. You want to be loved.


To see or use cooking oil in your dream, represents a smooth transition.

Acceptance...a wolf in sheep's clothing...

  • Nov. 20th, 2008 at 12:43 PM
nasa butterfly
That's what I feel like in that place, and yet, within this borrowed guise, I find acceptance in a place which so often rejects or judges me.  A place which tries to add bars and boundries where there exist none in my life, placing labels and rules on that which need none in my personal belief structure.  But here I was, and even though I found myself speaking, all I received in return were ears which listened intently and heart's which were open.  I feel the mask which I wear fading, but when they see through...what will there be then...


I think next time will be my last, but thank you for showing me another...outlet.

Also, Artemis...

  • Nov. 19th, 2008 at 9:31 AM
nasa butterfly

Goddess Archetype - Artemis


A brief psychological overview of Artemis

Artemis - possesses an introverted and independent temperament (polar opposite to Athena)--represents the goddess of Nature--concerned with matters of the outdoors, animals, environmental protection, women’s communities--she is practical, adventurous, athletic and preferring solitude. She symbolizes regenerative earth power over all living things. Both Artemis and Athena bore arms as protectress goddesses. Historically, Artemis was born quickly by her mother, Leto. However, due to a curse from Hera, Artemis was the one who, immediately following her own birth, assisted her mother’s delivery of her brother in a long and difficult labor. She became known as the patroness of childbirth.

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Artemis, armed with bow and arrow, possesses the power to inflict plagues and death or to heal. She is known as the protectress of little children, baby animals and, yet, she also loves the hunt.

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Artemis is one of the ‘virgin’ androgynous goddesses. Due to her well-integrated masculine energy and independence, Artemis does not possess much need for a man to complete her. Her awareness is focused. A predominately Artemis type woman may enjoy a companion who will work along side her sharing her practical pursuits--parallel relatedness in shared activities, yet, each one retaining their strong and distinct identities in their fairly separate lives. They may come together enjoying a deep, intuitive connection with minimal ‘chatter’. Artemis, the goddess, was known to shun men.

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The ancient Olympian Goddesses -
a deeper look

Artemis - represents the feminine archetype of Nature & the Wilds--virgin, pure, primitive-- of wild places--Mother of Creatures. The function of virgins was to dispense the Mother’s grace to heal, to prophesy, to perform sacred dances, to wail for the dead. Artemis' image at Ephesus depicts a torso covered with breasts conveying her as the fertile nurturer of all living things. She was also the Huntress, killer/destroyer of the very creatures she brought forth--demonstrating the light and dark side of the goddess.

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Psychologically, Artemis belongs to the category of ‘virgin’ goddess--self-directed, autonomous, focused consciousness.

  • To the Romans, Artemis was known as Diana.
  • Her ‘masculine’ energy can be deeply transformed or sublimated in highly creative ways.
  • Androgynous nature--containing both feminine and masculine energies--complete, whole in and of herself - her true relationship is with herself.
  • Androgynous energy contained within converts to visions, mystical experiences, and a deep, enduring compassion for all of Nature.
  • Lover of animals and the serenity found in Nature, on the one hand
  • And, destroyer, Artemis-goddess leads the nocturnal hunt deep in the forest.
  • Similar to Athena, psychologically--youthful, boyish, independent, strong, autonomous, energetic, born with strong masculine qualities in her nature and, particularly for Artemis, an intense love of freedom.
  • Disposed to gender-role confusion
  • Solitary nature teaching her self-sufficiency & independence--prophesy, poetry, music, magic and healing
  • Artemis women allow Nature to frequently replace human relations--requiring solitary retreat whereby the ego is free from external stimulation.
  • Artemis women find that the non-stop presence of others hinders her presence to herself, therefore, requiring retreat into the solitude of natural world and offering reconnection to her inner self.
  • Many Artemis women, who would prefer living closer to Nature, are displaced in cities
  • Disinclined by their true nature toward role of wife/motherhood or for the values of conventional society - Artemis types may prefer companionship of women who share her sense of presence of self and self-sufficiency

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  • Mythological history
    • Artemis’ mother was Leto, a nature deity who bore Artemis without pain. Artemis’ father was Zeus.
    • Artemis, directly following her own birth--a newborn, herself, Artemis assisted as midwife to her mother, Leto, throughout a very difficult birth to her twin brother, Apollo. Artemis was subsequently considered a goddess of childbirth.
    • Artemis, the protectress, on many occasions ‘rescued’ her own mother.
    • At Ephesus, Artemis was worshiped as the many-breasted Great Mother.
    • Classic Greek historians, on the other hand, depict her as a virgin who never mothers a child of her own, shunning men and living in the forest on the fringe of the inhabited world.
    • Artemis - the patroness of midwives -- Mother of Birth and of Death/Huntress and taker of life - representing both the Light and the Dark side of the goddess’ nature.
    • Artemis, who is every bit as beautiful as Aphrodite, makes sacred--solitude, natural and primitive living--she is not flattered by or interested in male suitors.
    • Artemis severely punishes any man who lays eyes on her naked body - she turned one spying man into a deer and his hunting dogs, no longer recognizing him, tore him apart.
    • Artemis possesses deep sympathy for the Earth and all it’s living beings and employs the role of protectress--she is enraged by the exploitation of nature and powerless creatures.
    • Artemis is Apollo’s twin sister - Dionysus is the dark brother of Apollo.
    • Artemis may have, early on, prior to later Greek patriarchal manipulation, been the Great Mother, triple in her power as Maiden, Mother and Crone. Artemis may likely be one of the oldest of all the Greek goddesses--belonging to the most ancient layer of human memory.

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  • Challenges facing Artemis
    • She tends to avoid her vulnerability in relation to others--hiding her emotional needs, even to herself.
    • Artemis tends toward emotional distancing--difficulty trusting relationship.
    • Growth for Artemis type woman is in developing her less conscious, human relationship side of herself.
    • Artemis type needs rewarding and challenging goals toward which to strive, if Artemis is unable to find fulfilling self-expression in her life she will feel increasingly frustrated and depressed.

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  • Artemis’ dark side: Primitive power of her bloodlust, ‘righteous rage’ - Artemis woman’s task is to confront her ‘inner wild boar’ - while sacrificing her ‘righteous and avenging’ goddess. She does this by humbly accepting her own flaws and mistakes as a human woman, compassionate with herself, first, then she may hold compassion towards others.

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  • Artemis’ wound: Self-esteem issues involving intimate relationship resulting from early isolation from other girls and, later, sense of rejection/exclusion by boys.

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  • Artemis’ gifts: Ability to focus, set goals and reach them; autonomy/independence, ability to develop meaningful connection with other women.

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  • Artemis’ personality
    • As a child & adolescent:
      • Strong, tom-boyish body, keenly instinctual connection with her body.
      • She rejects the culturally prescribed behavior & interests of little girls as charming and compliant pleasers - may be criticized for appearing unfeminine.
      • Athletic, competitive, persevering
      • She may have her own horse, or at least love to ride horses.
      • She is an animal lover, determined to become a veterinarian.
      • She loves the woods-exploring plants, forests, streams, wild creatures, an adventurer.

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    • As an adult woman:
      • Strong adolescent persona persists even as an adult
      • Non-traditional in her interests and approach to life
      • Usually chooses her field of work as a result of her passion--sportswoman, biologist, veterinarian, geologist, environmental advocate, healer, herbalogist, shaman or other solitary professions
      • Holds feminist views and sisterly affiliations with other women
      • Sexual expression leans more toward recreational sport or excitement of a new experience more so than for emotional intimacy - In later life sexuality shifts to following her interests which possess personal meaning to her
      • A woman in whom Artemis archetype predominates will require a good degree of freedom and independence. Like her Athenian sister, she needs to direct her own life in a way that gives her personal fulfillment/accomplishment rather than by meeting the expectations of others.
      • She needs Nature; if she does not adequately feed herself good doses of the ‘natural’ world, she will find herself feeling out-of-sorts, irritable or depressed.
      • As a mother, if she chooses this path, she is most likely fiercely protective of her children’s well-being while giving them plenty of freedom to experience


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  • Historic females embodying the Artemis archetype: Hildegard of Bingen--a healer, poet, musician and visionary (1100’s C.E.), Juliana of Norwich--writer who penned “God is our Mother”--in an attempt to refocus Christian awareness of her day back toward the valuation of Mother earth and the body (1300’s C.E.). Modern day Artemis types: Jane Goodall, animal researcher/scientist studying chimpanzees in Tanzania for over 30 years. She also combines international animal advocacy and environment; Georgia O’Keefe--modern artist embracing nature and combining feminine sexuality in her artwork; Peggy Callahan, wolf biologist--wildlife conservation & management; Mary Jo Casalena, wild turkey biologist, studying and managing migrating birds. Billie Jean King, retired U.S. tennis pro of the late ’60’s and ’70’s.

Inner Goddess...hrmm..

  • Nov. 19th, 2008 at 8:56 AM
nasa butterfly
Interesting, especially because Hestia says 'Spritiual Focus' but the questions/statements are centered around basically being the perfect, self-sufficient housewife....riiiight.  Maybe there is something I am not seeing...I suppose an inner quiet is quite spiritual, BUT let me see you do that housework in peace and quiet with a two year old running around needing attention and nourishment...hrmm...  =P
Still, I suppose I do see how it is indeed a spiritual life, much like monks/buddhists, but still, I don't know how you can do that and still be sane in THIS world, because I would feel extremely unfulfilled, and yet there is a part of me that would be happy living in the mountains, secluded or in silence, living a simple life....


 

Hera: _-2__
Wife & helpmate

Demeter: __4__
Mother/Nurturer

Athena: __5__
Career - Wisdom - Accomplisher

Hestia: __-1__
Spiritual Focus


»Issues of Power«
 

»Issue of Relatedness«
 


»Issue of Purpose«
 

Persephone: __13__
Underworld/Mystery

Aphrodite: __6__
Love/Beauty

Artemis: __10__
Nature-lover/
Animals


 

A brief psychological overview of Persephone

Persephone - possessing an introverted temperament (polar opposite to Hera) with issues of inner world control/ power--she represents the goddess of the underworld--concerned with the world of spirit, the occult, matters associated with death. She is mystical, visionary and often possesses spirit guides. Her awareness is diffuse. Persephone belongs to the relationship-oriented ‘vulnerable’ goddess category having a very close relationship with her mother, Demeter. Another aspect of her vulnerability, Persephone was abducted, taken to the Underworld and raped by Hades. Her mother, Demeter mourned, sorrowfully, in the face of her abduction.

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Persephone is said to have a younger counterpart to herself--Kore--another name for the young Persephone. Psychologically, this may be a representation of two or three levels of this archetype: Kore, the Maiden, Persephone (or Demeter), the mature Woman, and Hecate, the Wise Crone.

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Persephone type woman is more attracted to the spiritual nature rather than the physicality of her partner. She may unconsciously attract destructive relationships or potentially controlling partners. As an unconscious protective measure, she may choose a safe alternative in a younger, non-threatening partner whom she can mother.

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The ancient Olympian Goddesses -
a deeper look

Persephone - represents the feminine archetype of the mediumistic mystic, connected with the spirit-world. She is also the archetypal child--radiating optimism and good hope.

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Mythological history: Kore, daughter of Demeter, was the maiden aspect of Persephone. Kore, the maiden, was abducted (at the suggestion of Zeus) and raped by Hades and forced to be his wife. In the myth of Persephone, young Kore was plucking flowers in a field when Hades, her uncle and god of the Underworld, abducted her to be his Queen in the dark world below. The goddess, Hecate, strongly associated with the dark side of the moon and with witchcraft - was the only one to witness Kore’s abduction. She hears Persephone’s cries but does nothing, herself, to help and, furthermore, does not seek help from others.

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Kore was extremely unhappy in the darkness of the Underworld. She also missed her mother, Demeter, terribly, as they had such a close mother-daughter bond. Kore was ultimately allowed to rejoin her mother, who had arranged Persephone’s release. However, Persephone was obligated to return each Fall to spend four months of each year in the underworld as consort to Hades because she had eaten four pomegranates. It is thought that Kore as ‘maiden’, Demeter as ‘mother’ and Hecate as ‘wise crone’ represent, in more ancient times, the three-fold nature of Persephone in the various life cycles of a woman.

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Psychologically, Persephone is immersed in the collective unconscious--absorbed & molded by it. She acts out those “unacceptable” aspects in her environment, which others will not acknowledge--therefore, she activates that which others perceived as dangerous--and this becomes her personal problem. Persephone functions as seer, medicine woman. She belongs to the category of ‘vulnerable goddess’ - suffering pain in relationship--humiliation by abduction and rape. Her consciousness is diffuse, taking in all, rather than focused.

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  • To the Romans Persephone was known as Proserpine.
  • Typically, Persephone woman possesses a youthful face at any age.
  • She is a pleaser type whose tendency is not inclined toward assertive directness.
  • Her nature--sympathetic, highly tuned into people’s feelings and needs
  • She is responsiveness to the needs of others - has difficulty saying ‘no’ --difficulty recognizing and asserting her own boundaries.
  • Directionally unsure, lacking solidity of purpose possessed by her virgin goddess sisters
  • Musing and intuitive nature rather than intellectual mind - difficulty ‘explaining’ her reasoning as it is an intuitive perception.
  • Less at ease with/in her body & sexuality than other goddess types
  • Strong connection to spirit - deep ambivalence toward outer world & her sense of being misunderstood & alienated from conventional society
  • A primarily Persephone type, keenly sensitive, typically possesses a fragile ego structure, therefore, easily overwhelmed by feelings and impressions from her unconscious
  • Persephone type has difficulty discriminating and has difficulty putting her impressions into words.
  • Keen ability to cross over into other realms of psychic consciousness - very at home in the world beyond the physical senses
  • Attracted to metaphysics, healing, intuitive, service-oriented work
  • By nature she is reclusive/retreating, secretive, possessing a sensitive system requiring time away from external stimulation.
  • “Underworld” understood as ‘unconscious’--then, Persephone has been abducted to the ‘unconscious’--to deal with aspects of her own personal unconscious material and also the collective unconscious.
  • She experiences episodes of depression, and/or bouts of mysterious, difficult to diagnose illnesses.
  • A primarily Persephone type is not promiscuous. She may be unwittingly drawn to partners that attempt to dominate/control her. As a protection she may shift to much younger lovers with whom she can mother and feel safe.

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  • Challenges facing Persephone
    • Persephone (Kore) was forced to live in the Underworld for part of the year. Persephone woman is, likewise, required to acknowledge and visit her own inner underworld--her Dark side - the consequence of this avoidance is exposure to considerable suffering:
      • prone to attracting people with severe problems or possibly abusive behaviors
      • prone to mysterious illnesses difficult to diagnose or treat
      • sense of deep alienation, isolation, depression
    • Indicators that Persephone woman has not sufficiently completed her ‘Hades’ decent:
      • ever-youthful ‘facial mask’ that defies her actual age by mid life
      • she may tend to wear her hair long and loose in young-girl fashion even into mid life
      • she tends toward flowery, or girlish clothing - having not yet matured her sense of self into the Mother/Crone aspects of this goddess

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  • Persephone’s task is to return to the Mother--return to the mature goddess who now knows separation, sexuality and death. In fact, the two goddesses are one - in fact, they are three: the maiden, the Mother and the wise Crone. The cycle of life and death need to be embraced - dualities such as light and dark. When Persephone woman attempts to blot out/deny the awareness of her dark side: anger, rage--she remains the uncompleted maiden. The mature Persephone who has returned from her underworld journey has seen all; she unites birth and death within herself. She has become the wise woman, cheerful, however also having accessed her repressed rage, still retaining her youthfulness as an elder, mature woman.

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  • Persephone’s dark side - the archetypal victim - whereby she feels powerless in the midst of her circumstances - or long-sufferer/martyr - “surviving” on sympathy of others -- and, the flip side -- Hecate - the witch & killer - the one who ignored Persephone’s cries -- unconscious, repressed rage which is projected onto others

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  • Persephone’s wound - a woman overly identified with the Persephone archetype will find herself repeatedly attracted to situations, people or health issues that diminish her sense of personal power. These situations/events do not appear to be her own doing--they seem to happen to her, out of the blue. Yet, she seems strongly drawn to these happenings, again and again and cause her repeated grief.

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  • Persephone’s task
    • uniting the dark and the light sides of the goddess within herself - by increasingly embracing the long-suffering victim/martyr into her conscious awareness. Addressing her issue regarding power. Willingness to look into the face of this suffering and understanding her relation to it--not from a place of blame, rather, empowerment. Recognizing that such a strong attachment to the Light castes a very dark shadow.
    • Persephone must renounce her maiden self (the lovely, nice, gentle persona with it’s lofty ideals and attachment to ‘innocence’, and to renounce her helplessness)- allowing it’s death - as she descends to meet with Hades - and, eventually, emerging as the Woman-- in recognition of her power that she, now, accepts - no longer projecting this power onto others.

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  • Persephone’s gifts - Her receptivity, intuition, empathy toward the suffering of others, her keen powers of imagination, inspiration, ability to read the hearts and minds of others. Persephone, once matured through her own inner work, is the guide to the Underworld

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  • Persephone’s personality
    • As a child & adolescent:
      • Quiet, unassuming, compliant, eager to please - similar to a willow - will tend to bend along with the circumstances or in relation to stronger personalities around her
      • Introverted, imaginative, often lives in her ‘own little world’ of make-believe, perhaps as a strategy to escape the unpleasantness she experiences in her family environment
      • She often prefers playing alone, by herself.
      • She enjoys her solitude, a Persephone child may be found daydreaming, listening to music.
      • Unsure of her preferences, difficulty making decisions
      • Persephone child is often the family “problem” child or scape-goat because her sensitivities do not conform to family norms.
      • Persephone child often faces trauma in childhood, emotional and/or physical.

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    • As a mature woman:
      • The mature Persephone has grappled with the maiden, Kore, aspect of her nature. She is learning to ‘tell her truth’ - rather than avoiding and/or lying to others in fear of displeasing them. She is learning to set healthy boundaries--saying ‘no’, rather than acting in manipulative, indirect or blaming ways to meet her needs--avoiding conflict.
      • The mature Persephone is learning to take care of herself, learning to meet her own needs, responsibly, as she understands, now, how she has blamed others in the past.
      • The mature Persephone is developing a conscious relationship with her ‘inner male’, in Jungian terms, her animus, which means, developing her assertive/action nature.
      • The mature Persephone finds value and meaning in spiritual ritual.
      • The mature Persephone who has undergone her transformative experience in Hades is, now, equipped to guide others in their descent into the underworld. She is most compassionate, intuitive and wisely guides others in connecting with their own depth and meaning.
      • The mature Persephone may be found working as a healer, therapist, herbalist, Tarot card reader, astrologer, writer, photographer, musician, medical intuitive, gardener.
      • Persephone requires sufficient ‘alone’ time to regenerate her energies because she so absorbs the vibrations/emotions of those around her. Music, nature and mystical experiences recharge her batteries.
      • As a mother, Persephone may be connected to her children in intuitive, psychic ways and less focused on their physicality.


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  • Historic females embodying the Persephone archetype: Florence Nightingale, Mother Teresa, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.


Reading that made me cry....
 

 

 


Here I am...

  • Nov. 19th, 2008 at 8:01 AM
Me
I feel...slightly whole.  I have felt laughter and joy, I am feeling inspired and quite at...home.  I look forward to being able to share my knowledge and gifts with others, and I look forward to learning from them as well.  I feel many great things in the works, I do not know exactly where they will lead, but I feel a greatness evolving within and around me.  CHANGE, the leaves blowing in the wind whisper to me...change is coming, and change is nearly here, but it has already begun.  Are you ready?  Can you ever be?  Only as much as you were meant to be, eh? Learn to adapt on your toes, be quick and steady and follow through.  I feel this grand new beginning of which I am venturing further...ah yes, indeed, this will be something great.